so I wrote a long post here about my fears about being pregnant and becoming a Mama. I know that having doubts about my ability to raise a little human is totally normal, but sometimes I really need to reassure myself that I GOT THIS.
on the other end of the spectrum, I find myself thinking, "wow, I love this little baby SO much already and he's not even here yet."
I told Sean at dinner last night that I know things will change for us, because I am almost certain that I will love Ronin more than I love Sean. I know that this perfect little child will cause our relationship some strain, and THAT scares me. I don't want to put our marriage on the back burner, but I know that occasionally, it'll feel like it is.
I know that I'll be stressed and sleep deprived and will most likely take my frustrations out on him, even though it's a crappy thing to do. thankfully, I married a kick ass guy who is more than willing to take middle of the night feedings and work a flex schedule in order to give me time to myself. I only wish that he could feel what I feel for our son - I wish he could feel the little kicks from the inside and experience the overwhelming love I feel when I think about the end result of this journey.
this kid is not even here and I already feel such a strong bond with him, and I know that I would do anything to protect him and keep him safe. I would die for him, in an instant, without second thought. he is my heart & soul already, and he doesn't even weigh a pound. I don't even know what he looks like, but I can picture him in my head and he is absolutely perfect, because he is half of me and half of Sean.
I find it difficult to picture myself loving him anymore than I already do, but I know that the love I have for him at this moment is nothing compared to what I will feel for him when he's here. I know there will be days when all I want to do is stare in awe at how lovely he is.
I know that I'll never remember what my life was like before him, and my life before him will no longer seem substantial. my priorities will change, and things that now seem to be of importance will no longer be significant. parts of my independence will be forfeited, and I will add the title of Mama to my resume.
baby Ronin will be makin' waves with his arrival. and I cannot freakin' wait. <3