the idea of being a first time mom is exciting. everyone seems really interested in how me & the baby are doing, and of course, there is no shortage of suggestions and unsolicited advice being thrown my way.
honestly? I LOVE being pregnant. there are some down sides, but the outcome will make me forget about the pain in my pelvis and the horrid morning sickness that ruled my life for 4 weeks. I cannot wait for the day that I get to meet this little person that I've been housing in my womb. I already feel such a strong bond between baby Q & myself.
with all that said, I'm here to confess... I am scared shitless. I know it's normal to be nervous, so I don't feel guilty for feeling just a tad bit crazy brained when I think about the grand scheme of things. but because I like to keep it real here, I'm gunna lay out all these crazy thoughts that occupy my brain from time to time:
I'm terrified that I won't be able making it to 40 weeks. I've been having some pretty bad round ligament/pelvis pain for a few weeks and I keep thinking... "holy shit, I still have 22 weeks to go and I'm only going to have more weight to carry on this pelvis that feels like it may or may not collapse at any moment."
not only am I going to get bigger and struggle more to carry this baby, but it's going to be fucking hot. I thought I was going to pass out in the grocery store last weekend because it was hotter than normal in the frozen foods section. how the hell am I going to handle the high humidity Maryland summer?
I love the fruit size updates I get every week from The Bump. and then I realize that by week 40, baby Q is going to be the size of a watermelon. I'm going to push (that's the plan, at least) a watermelon out of my vagina. and I might poop in front of people other than my husband. I know at that point I won't care, but right now, it's a gross thought.
babies cry. a lot. and they can't tell you what's wrong. I'm so scared that I won't be able to know what's wrong with him/her to make him/her stop crying. how will I know if baby is eating enough or is pooping enough? they don't come with a manual and I think they should.
also? SIDS. fucking TERRIFYING.
breastfeeding. I hear it hurts. and can be reaaaaaally hard emotionally. postpartum depression doesn't really sound like a ball of fun either. baby blues scares me.
and then I buck up and say, "self, you got this. you're a nurturer by nature, you can take care of a baby. you will push that watermelon out like a champ, and you will know, thanks to motherly instinct, why your crying baby is upset. the baby will like breastfeeding, or it won't... no biggie. formula kids are awesome too."
and then the new fears hit me. for instance... this kid is mine now. forever. I have another human being that I am solely responsible for. I have a real opportunity to completely fuck this little creature up and give it real life problems. what if he/she becomes a drug addict, or a murderer? or what happens if he/she is bullied in school? omg, school. how will I handle sending my precious child out into the world?
... holy shit. I have a feeling that this worrying doesn't go away any time soon. so uh, thanks for reading?
DISCLAIMER: please know that regardless of these fears, I am so incredibly lucky to have this baby growing inside of me. I cannot wait to meet him/her and cherish every wonderful (and frightening) moment I have with him/her. and hopefully I don't fuck him/her up too bad.