exclusively pumping.

warning: this is a long read, but I wanted to make sure to get all thoughts and details of my experience (so far) out in the open, so I just kept writing. and it's probably all over the place too, so apologies for that. if you read it all, I will bake you cookies. 

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before Ronin was even conceived, I knew I wanted to breastfeed. it was, besides actually keeping him alive, my number one goal of motherhood. everyone says "breast is best" for a reason and I knew it was something that I would work hard at to ensure I was giving him my absolute best. 

I read up on breastfeeding at KellyMom and I even took a breastfeeding class offered by our local hospital. I spoke with other moms about it, and I asked for advice from moms on Facebook. I wouldn't say it seemed easy, but I was much less frightened by the impending experience after doing as much research as I could. I knew that it would hurt, but I then learned that if it's painful past the initial latch, then there's something wrong. I learned about mastitis and clogged ducts and letdown and engorgement. I figured that if I needed help, I'd ask for it. I have no problem admitting when I need a little assistance, so I decided I would consult as many lactation consultants as needed to make it work. 

prior to Ronin's arrival, I received a single electric pump as a gift. I knew I'd only pump every now and then when I wanted a break from feeding him, so I went with a single instead of the expensive double electric pumps. I also stocked up with soothing gel pads, nursing pads, Lanolin, and a Boppy. I was, as far as I was concerned, as ready as I could be to get the show on the road and have a meaningful, loving, and special-to-us nursing bond with Ronin. 

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about an hour after he was born, we (my nurse and I) tried to get Ronin to latch. he didn't seem too interested, so we decided we'd try again later when he was more awake and alert. when we finally got transferred to our family room, I tried again with my new nurse. he got a pretty good latch on the right side, but because my nipple wouldn't erect enough on the left side (it's inverted, which I knew would be an issue going into all this), we tried to use a shield to give him something more to latch onto. he finally picked it up, but then he would only latch with the shield, whether it was the right side or the left side. I had been producing colostrum for weeks before giving birth, so I knew it wouldn't be a problem to fill his teeny tiny stomach. I ended up mostly expressing by hand and feeding him with a little spoon, or just my fingertip, to make sure he had a full belly.

the next two days were honestly such a blur for me. long story short, I met with almost every single lactation consultant in the joint and we continued to have latching issues on one side. I was incredibly hormonal and so upset that we couldn't get him to latch properly (he had a shallow latch, so along with my inverted nipple, we were a doomed combination). after pumping for twenty minutes and producing nothing to give him, the lactation consultant suggested that we give him formula. insert complete postpartum meltdown. Sean couldn't understand why I was so upset... he just didn't get it. I didn't think formula was bad, but it just wasn't what I had planned, and I felt like a failure for resorting to formula so early. but I knew that he wasn't getting much, if anything, from me, so we fed him 2 ounces of formula in the hospital before we left, and took some home with us that day. 

I thought that maybe it would be easier to nurse at home, where I was comfortable and in my own environment, but honestly? it was just more stressful because I had no idea what the fuck I was doing and no nurses to help me. Sean was always trying to help get Ronin into a good position and bringing me anything I need and all I was doing was snapping at him all the time. I felt resentment toward him because I felt like all the responsibility of feeding the baby was on me. those postpartum hormones are INSANE, y'all. so after a week of trying (unsuccessfully) to get Ronin to latch and consume milk, I started pumping. thankfully, Sean was home with us for two weeks, so while he fed Ronin (either previously pumped milk or formula), I pumped. 

it was a complete shit show when Sean went back to work. I would wake up, feed the baby, pump (which took 40 minutes, thanks to only having a single pump... hindsight is 20/20, right?), and then wash all the pump parts. by the time I was finished, he was ready to eat again. and don't think I could just put him down to pump. oh no, this kid wanted to be held at ALL TIMES. I mean, I can't blame him... he was just a teeny babe who wanted his mama, but damn was it hard on me emotionally to listen to him cry while trying to pump. I decided to keep this routine up for as long as I could, since it seemed to be working fairly well for us. the good thing about pumping constantly, was that my supply was stellar. I was producing more than Ronin was consuming, so I was able to store away a decent stash in the freezer. 

after about 6 weeks of that mess, I was over it. I was so tired of pumping every 3 hours, and getting up in the middle of the night to pump even though my newborn was sound asleep. I was doing double duty. instead of pumping and then feeding him, I wanted to just whip out a boob and feed him and be done with it. my entire day consisted of feeding and pumping and I was finally ready to seek the assistance I needed. I made an appointment with a lactation consultant and kept my fingers crossed that she could help us. 

the day before our appointment, I got out the Boppy and the nipple shield and attempted to put Ronin at the breast... just to see how he'd do, since it had been a few weeks since I'd nursed him. and holy shit. he latched right on and ate continuously for about 8 minutes. and it didn't hurt AT ALL, which meant that his latch was good. I was so relieved! even though he was only latching on the right side, we had four more successful nursing sessions that day. I felt like super mom. I was finally going to have the breastfeeding relationship with him that I wanted from the beginning. 

we met with the lactation consultant and she basically looked at me like, "uhhh, what are you doing here?" after seeing us. he latched perfectly on both sides, but we still had to use the shield. she sent us home and told me to follow up with her a few days later. things we going well at home - we were nursing at almost every feeding. he was still having trouble with the left side (I think he didn't like laying on his right side, but hated the football hold too), so we ended up just feeding from the right side and pumping the left side. so I was still performing double duty, but he was nursing, so I was happy. 

... and then the head turning started. he would latch on, and with my nipple still clenched in his mouth, he would turn his head to look around. OUCH. I tried feeding him a quiet and dark space without distractions, but he was still too curious to concentrate on the task at hand. after dealing with painful nipples and head turning action for three weeks, I called it quits. 

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I knew I had a substantial supply, and I knew I could pump and feed him, so that's what we did, and that's what we're still doing now, at seven and a half months. at around five months, I contacted my insurance company to inquire about coverage for a hospital grade pump rental, and they sent me a great double electric pump for free. so instead of taking 40 minutes to pump, it now only takes me about 10. 

does it suck (literally and figuratively)? yep, you're damn right it does. but do I think it's what's best for us? absolutely. it's extremely difficult to keep up with exclusively pumping. I dread waking up and having to pump in the morning. I have to plan my day around when I need to pump, which, as I'm sure you can imagine, is tons of fun. I can't tell you how many times I've pumped in the car (with Sean driving, of course) because we had errands to run right in the middle of the day. we also had a pretty scary meltdown when we last track of time at the mall one day and by the time we got back to the car, Ronin was hungry as shit and I hadn't pumped a new bottle for him. 

however, it is incredibly rewarding to know that I can provide him with what I think is best for him, despite our breastfeeding woes. we're at the point now where I only have to pump 3 times a day and I am producing just a little bit more than what he consumes in a day. my supply recently started decreasing, so I supplemented with formula a few times and simply added in a Fenugreek supplement and a power pump session for a few days and we're back to normal again. 

I have to say that a big reason why I'm able to keep up with pumping is because I'm at home with Ronin during the day. I really don't think I'd have the energy or motivation to continue had I gone back to work. I am most definitely counting down until Ronin's first birthday, as it's when I plan on weaning him off breast milk. I will probably miss the responsibility a little bit. I like that I am the one providing him with all the essential nutrients he needs to thrive, honestly. but on the other hand, I'm ready to have my body back and to be able to go out for an entire day without having to worry about dragging my pump out with me. I am so excited for the day when I don't have to wash those damn pump parts three times a day. I know that I could switch to formula at any point, but I feel like I've invested so much time into pumping, that I might as well just keep with it until he's a year old. 

Ronin is my world, and I would go to the end of the Earth for him. as much as I hate pumping, I know that it's the best thing for us. all I want in life is to do what is best for him. as long as he is healthy and happy, I know that I'm doing a good job. 

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SIDE NOTE:

Jessica also wrote about her EP story. she also listed some great tips for fellow pumpers - I really enjoyed reading about another person's experience with exclusively pumping. it's so great to know that there are others out there who have similar journeys and can offer outstanding advice with a bit of wit thrown in as well. 

Baby Led Weaning

disclaimer: I truly believe there is no right or wrong way to feed your child. BLW works for some families and not for others. this is a judgement free zone for all. 

I knew pretty early on that I wanted to do Baby Led Weaning (BLW) with Ronin. it just made sense to me to allow him to feed himself instead of me painfully trying to get him to slurp puree off a spoon. I'd heard stories from fellow moms explaining to me how difficult it was to get their baby to eat any baby food. once I read the BLW book, I understood why. 

Baby-led weaning is, it must be said, a somewhat cheesy term for just letting your infant self-feed. You cut food up into manageable sticks and offer it, they eat. It’s really pretty simple. 

The key difference between BLW and traditional weaning, when you think about it, is in the order that children learn to eat. With a puree, they learn to swallow first and then chew, which works fine until they meet a lump. With BLW, the babies learn to chew first and swallowing might come some time later. 

It’s ‘baby-led’ in the sense that you let them do what they need to do while they’re learning, and as the parent you resist the urge to get wound up in knots about how much they’re eating, whether they like the food you thought they’d like and whether it’s smushed into the nearest curtain. The main thing is… it’s all good clean (messy) fun.

what I loved about the BLW concept was the idea that Ronin was perfectly capable of teaching himself how to eat. of course, the gag factor totally freaked me out, but I watched a few YouTube videos of BLW babies to prepare myself. gagging is the baby's way of working the food back out and training the gag reflex to recognize food that is too big for them to swallow. eventually, they learn to either suck on the food to break it down or they take smaller bites. 

what most people don't understand is that there is a huge difference between choking and gagging. in fact, choking is very rare with babies who have been allowed to feed themselves from the beginning, simply because they've learned what to do in the instance of taking too large a bite. when a baby goes from pureed food to solid food, they instinctively suck the food  to the back of their throat because that's what they've been taught to do with purees, and they end up with food lodged in their throat. 

we waited until Ronin was 6 months old before introducing him to anything other than breast milk or formula. the AAP recommends the same, as babies receive all the essential nutrients from breast milk or formula until this time.  

his first meal at the dinner table consisted of zucchini, carrots, and toast. 

he really didn't care much for the zucchini or carrot, but he had a lot of fun trying the toast. it's important to remember that in the beginning, babies really don't ingest a whole lot. this beginning stage is mostly just about exploring different flavors and textures. we make sure not to feed him when he's hungry - he always gets a bottle first. he won't make the connection between food and hunger for quite some time. sometimes he's in the mood to eat, sometimes he's not. these meals aren't meant to replace his milk feedings yet, so we just go at his pace and allow him to eat as much or as little as he wants to eat. 

so far, his favorite foods are pears, chicken, toast, broccoli, oranges, and ground turkey. he doesn't really care for bananas, carrots, or green beans, but he will try whatever we put in front of him. I think it's safe to say he really enjoys joining us at the table. 

I love that I can (for the most part) just give Ronin what we eat, although I do make sure he gets more fruits and veggies than we do to make sure he gets accustomed to them. we also stay away from anything processed and anything with a lot of salt or sugar. 

I highly recommend reading the book if you're interested in trying BLW. this method of feeding seems daunting, but it really is lot of fun watching a baby figure out how to eat real food. 

baby registry must haves [feeding]

I realize that I've never talked about our breastfeeding relationship on here yet, so I will definitely get to that in a future post. 

despite a valiant effort, nursing didn't work out for us (I'll discuss our issues in a different post). it was still important to me that Ronin get his nutrition from breast milk, which led to the decision to exclusively pump and bottle feed him. 

these are the items that I've found most helpful for our situation. if you are successful at exclusively breastfeeding, you may not need a 5 pack of bottles and a double electric pump, so keep that in mind. :) 

1. Lansinoh Lanolin.

this stuff is heavenly for sore/cracked nipples. when you have a baby figuring out how to latch, you WILL have nipple pain. once you get into a rhythm, you may not need it anymore, but I highly recommend having it on hand for those early weeks. 

2. Ameda Purely Yours Double Electric Breast Pump. 

the only reason I recommend this pump is because it's the one that was sent to me for free from my insurance company (thank you to my government employee husband for having awesome insurance). if you plan on pumping a lot (either to build a stash or because nursing doesn't work for you), a double electric pump is a must. 

confession: up until Ronin was 5 months old, I used a single electric and a manual hand pump to express breast milk. the single took too long and the manual left blisters on my hands. needless to say, I jumped for joy when this baby arrived on my doorstep.  

3. Boon Grass Drying Rack. 

this is pretty self explanatory. it's just a drying rack for bottles, pump parts, tiny little spoons, etc., but it's not an eyesore to look at. 

4. Oxo Bottle Brush. 

I love this bottle brush so much more than a person should love a bottle brush. the bristles are soft, and they fit perfectly into EVERY bottle. there is a little rubber piece that twists off from the bottle of the handle to clean the inside of the nipples... works like a charm. 

5. Breast Milk Storage Bags. 

like I mentioned above, if you're solely nursing, you probably won't need these... at least you won't need 100 of them. because I pump and I have a decent milk supply, I am often pumping more than I need for Ronin's daily intake. in that case, it's nice to be able to put milk in the freezer for a day when I need to leave him and won't be handy to pump his next meal. 

truthfully, the only reason I use the Lansinoh ones is because I got them as a shower gift and haven't had to buy anymore yet. however, they are very easy to pour milk into/out of and I like that I can label the tab at the top with the date and amount. 

6. Bottles. 

we chose to use Avent bottles on a whim, and thankfully, Ronin took to them just fine. sometimes, baby can be picky about bottles, but we got pretty lucky.

we chose these bottles because of the two part anti-colic system that includes the nipple and a plastic adapter ring. I don't know if they had anything to do with Ronin's easy going nature, but we've never had any issues with them, so I'll continue to use them for our future kids. I also like these bottles because the nipple is wider than most, which led to less nipple confusion back when we were still trying to nurse. 

7. Boppy. 

I liked using the Boppy when breastfeeding, but even though we no longer do the boob feeding, we still use the Boppy almost every day. it's a great way to prop Ronin up when trying to get him to sit up unassisted, and he enjoyed leaning on it to practice tummy time. I suggest getting a cover or two... there WILL be spit up on it. 

8. Lansinoh Disposable Nursing Pads. 

if there is one item I should buy stock in, it's these damn things. fun fact: when you produce milk, you will likely leak. I have to wear these every single day to prevent soaking my shirts. in fact, when I had to go topless at my annual womanly appointment last December, I leaked all over the flimsy gown just from talking about Ronin. I tried the Medela pads as well, but I preferred the Lansinoh ones because they were more comfortable and didn't make it look like I had weird nipples. 

8 weeks - a list.

+ I cannot believe my little peanut is 8 weeks old today. it blows my mind how fast time is flying. I love every new milestone and "first" of his, but I also know that he will never be this little again. that makes me sad.

+ Ronin is nursing like a champ. we had some issues in the beginning and I ended up exclusively pumping for 4 weeks in order to save my sleep deprived sanity. after seeing a lactation consultant, he is breastfeeding every other feeding (bottle feeding breast milk at the others). it's so relieving to not be tied to a pump all day, although I definitely would have kept at it had nursing not worked out.

+ he is fitting into 3 month onesies. he is super long, so sleepers fit him length wise, but are still too wide for him. however, I am a happy mama cause most of his clothes are 3 month in size so there are tons of options now... even pants! woo! although I have recently become addicted to BabyLegs. freakin' genius.

+ we are cloth diapering, as planned. we've decided to use disposables at night until he fits into bigger diapers because I'd hate to have to interrupt his long overnight stretch of sleep for a diaper change.
we are currently using a mix of different diapers - prefolds, kissaluvs NB fitteds, lil joeys AIOs, kissas AIOs, and GMD fitteds. I really don't have a preference, honestly. I like them all for different reasons. we also started using cloth wipes too and I'm making my own solution at home which just consists of water, baby soap, and baby oil.

+ Ronin's schedule is starting to become SORTA predictable... not that he's eating and sleeping at specific times, but his routine is getting more regular. he typically eats, naps for maybe 10 minutes or so and then wakes up and is ready for stimulation - so we play on his play mat or with rattles on the couch for a while. then he usually gets grumpy because he's tired and is ready for a nap. however, he only naps 30-60 minutes at a time during the day now a days, so it's not long before he's awake again and ready to eat.

+ we are getting lots of smiles these days, and it completely warms my heart. he's also become more and more vocal - he's cooing all the time and "talking" to us when we talk to him. he makes awesome noises and it makes me look forward to the day we will really hear him talk. I can't wait to hear what his little voice sounds like. he's able to grip his rattles and he grasped a toy on his mobile gym for the first time last week.

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this little boy is amazing to me, and I can't imagine my life without him. we are so, so lucky. <3 font="font">

baby Q bump watch - week 34

34 weeks, 1 day. holla. 

how far along? 

34 weeks (34 weeks, 2 days today, technically).

how big is the baby? 

little boy weighs about 4.75lbs (like a cantaloupe) and measures almost 18" long. his fat layers are filling him out, which will allow him to regulate his temperature better. he is now recognizing and reacting to songs sung by Mama, and will (fingers crossed!) be soothed by them once outside the womb.

total weight gain: 

up another 4lbs, for a total of 23lbs gained. I guess not gaining any weight for the first 20 weeks is finally catching up to me! ;)

sleep: 

still on and off. some nights are great, some are down right shitty.

best moment of the week: 

I went to a breastfeeding class last night and am SO GLAD I did. I feel so much more confident that breastfeeding will be a success for our family, given that it's extremely rare that a woman cannot physically breastfeed. there are a lot of misconceptions and myths out there regarding breastfeeding, so it's refreshing to feel a little more informed. 

my physical therapist successfully realigned my pelvis, which is awesome (it's stayed correctly positioned for over a week now), and it's really helped with the pain. 

food cravings: 

fresh fruit - peaches, watermelon, cantaloupe, honeydew, etc.

food aversions: 

nothing really.

symptoms: 

with the exception of Braxton Hicks contractions, I've got it all (sleeplessness, headaches, pelvic pain, swollen feet, leaky breasts, heartburn/acid reflux, carpal tunnel, constipation, etc).

gender sex: 

BOY! :D 

most looking forward to: 

finally finishing the painting in the nursery this weekend, a much needed pedicure on Saturday, and maternity pictures with Jen Lowe on Sunday (we had to reschedule last weekend due to weather). also? I have less than 2 weeks left of work. HALLELUJAH. 

what I miss right now: 

honestly? it really sucks to not be able to see your own vagina. 

next appointment: 

I had an appointment this morning, and because of my pre-eclampsia symptoms, I will go back in a week (the 26th) instead of the usual 2 week break. my blood work from last week was fine, but my headaches have been getting worse and my blood pressure is still high, so my OB is a tad concerned. 

Friday loves

these curtains from Urban Outfitters. 

why am I just now realizing how affordable their window treatments are? 

I'm thinking these may be residing in our living room soon. 

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a thorough spring cleaning checklist. 

also known as: I'm nesting and I need help. 

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I'm usually not a fan of wall decals at all. 

however, I am really digging these circle name designs. 

I think they'd look great on a nursery wall above a crib or changing table!

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fo free: 830 printables - from lined paper, to budget sheets, to music paper. 

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I want to print this and frame it. 

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DIY: chalkboard paint + basic wooden blocks = creativity & fun for hours.

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how to: introduce pets to a new baby. 

I will definitely need these tips in a few weeks.

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this site is chock full of creative and unique gifts for all occasions.
like this modern personalized drink tub:

how awesome would this be as a housewarming gift?

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Mrs. Stroller's thoughts on breastfeeding.
I love this, as breastfeeding is one of the things I'm most worried about when it comes to having a baby. 
I really want it to work for us, but I am aware of all the issues that could arise.
fingers crossed that Ronin & I have a successful BF relationship.
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these baby shoes. 

anchors and sail boats?
SQUEEEEEEE.
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Happy Friday, lovahs!