honestly? I LOVE being pregnant. there are some down sides, but the outcome will make me forget about the pain in my pelvis and the horrid morning sickness that ruled my life for 4 weeks. I cannot wait for the day that I get to meet this little person that I've been housing in my womb. I already feel such a strong bond between baby Q & myself.
with all that said, I'm here to confess... I am scared shitless. I know it's normal to be nervous, so I don't feel guilty for feeling just a tad bit crazy brained when I think about the grand scheme of things. but because I like to keep it real here, I'm gunna lay out all these crazy thoughts that occupy my brain from time to time:
I'm terrified that I won't be able making it to 40 weeks. I've been having some pretty bad round ligament/pelvis pain for a few weeks and I keep thinking... "holy shit, I still have 22 weeks to go and I'm only going to have more weight to carry on this pelvis that feels like it may or may not collapse at any moment."
not only am I going to get bigger and struggle more to carry this baby, but it's going to be fucking hot. I thought I was going to pass out in the grocery store last weekend because it was hotter than normal in the frozen foods section. how the hell am I going to handle the high humidity Maryland summer?
I love the fruit size updates I get every week from The Bump. and then I realize that by week 40, baby Q is going to be the size of a watermelon. I'm going to push (that's the plan, at least) a watermelon out of my vagina. and I might poop in front of people other than my husband. I know at that point I won't care, but right now, it's a gross thought.
babies cry. a lot. and they can't tell you what's wrong. I'm so scared that I won't be able to know what's wrong with him/her to make him/her stop crying. how will I know if baby is eating enough or is pooping enough? they don't come with a manual and I think they should.
also? SIDS. fucking TERRIFYING.
breastfeeding. I hear it hurts. and can be reaaaaaally hard emotionally. postpartum depression doesn't really sound like a ball of fun either. baby blues scares me.
and then I buck up and say, "self, you got this. you're a nurturer by nature, you can take care of a baby. you will push that watermelon out like a champ, and you will know, thanks to motherly instinct, why your crying baby is upset. the baby will like breastfeeding, or it won't... no biggie. formula kids are awesome too."
and then the new fears hit me. for instance... this kid is mine now. forever. I have another human being that I am solely responsible for. I have a real opportunity to completely fuck this little creature up and give it real life problems. what if he/she becomes a drug addict, or a murderer? or what happens if he/she is bullied in school? omg, school. how will I handle sending my precious child out into the world?
... holy shit. I have a feeling that this worrying doesn't go away any time soon. so uh, thanks for reading?
DISCLAIMER: please know that regardless of these fears, I am so incredibly lucky to have this baby growing inside of me. I cannot wait to meet him/her and cherish every wonderful (and frightening) moment I have with him/her. and hopefully I don't fuck him/her up too bad.
Oh Mandee! I've been there. The night before my c-section, I bawled like a baby and confessed to my husband that I was terrified I would be a shitty mom. It's normal, it's natural, and it happens to the best of us. We learn and adjust, though. The best advice I can give you is to just "go with the flow".
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time, Mandee. Sometimes, I literally had to tell myself (and the baby), "Survive till dawn! Just survive till dawn!" You'll be an amazing mama.
ReplyDeleteI am sure you will do fine. It is scary and wonderful at the same time. My daughter had her baby girl just 3 weeks ago. She did a home birth - talk about amazing but damn scary too. Your body adjusts to the baby growing - You might want to look into a good chiropractor or acupuncture for your pelvis. Find yourself a good mentor for breastfeeding. Remember to breathe and let it happen....
ReplyDeleteI'm also a first time mom-to-be (19 weeks!) and scared shitless. I'm a sucker for reality TV/documentaries and I no longer let myself watch births on those shows. I try not to think about the fact that before that day turns into the best day of my life it may very possibly be the worst (pain-wise). I like kids, but I've always avoided holding newborns because I'm sure I'll break them. I guess we'll learn as we go and, really, how much can we screw it up?! :)
ReplyDeleteTry not to think of all the things that could go wrong. Good to be informed, but they won't necessarily happen to you. Also, your job as a parent is to give your kids a good foundation, not to try to prevent every bad choice they may/may not make. They will grow up and make their own choices. You'll be a great mama, not to worry. There's always a learning curve, but you'll pick it up!
DeleteDont let the ligament pain scare you! I had it BAD at 17-18 weeks, so bad I could barely walk through Target when it struck. but it didnt bother me after those couple weeks, so I hope it passes for you too!
ReplyDeleteaaand I know you probably hate all the advice, but maybe for breastfeeding you could try a nipple shield? I had the pain problem when he was born and it's really great to get you used to the feeling of baby on there. might be worth a try if the pain is an issue for you too!
you will be FINE!!!! if I can do this, twice!, you can totes do it too!!! there will be times that mr ronin will cry and you won't know why and it will break your heart but that's all a part of being a parent and you'll learn from him! he will teach you so much and all those fears will seem irrational! dont over think fears - you GOT this!
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