Tuesday, January 18, 2011

8 years.

today, January 18th, 2011, is the day. eight years ago, my mother died of lung cancer. I was clutching her hand as she took her last breath on this Earth and that moment will forever be engraved in my mind. it was the most traumatic day of my life. I will never, ever forget the feeling of instant and extreme loneliness that I felt that day eight years ago.

I've had a hard time with being mother-less this year. I think it's because we've decided to try for children a little earlier than we thought we would. it makes me nervous. it makes me scared. I always imagined being pregnant with my mom by my side, giving me the advice and tips she learned while she was pregnant with me. I always imagined she'd be in the delivery room with me welcoming her grandchild into the world. she'd be there to babysit when I needed a date night, and she'd spoil my children like no other. 

it honestly makes me scared to have children. how will I explain her to them? how could I possibly convey to them what a wonderful person she was? they'll never understand how amazing she was, and that makes me sad.

eh, I'm feeling very "woe is me" today and I shouldn't. I am incredibly lucky to have awesome folks in my life, and they keep me about as sane as I can possibly be, so that counts for something. 

I'm at home today, just lounging around. I might venture out and get my nails done today. other than that, I'll be reading The Help all day, and then cooking Sean chicken parmesan this evening. I've never made it before, so I'll let you know how it goes.


  1. So sorry Mandee...she'll always be there with you, you just can't see her.

  2. These "anniversaries" are always hard. {{HUGS}} I don't think you have to worry about having your kids see what an amazing person your mother was...because you are a product of her joy, love and all of the things that make her someone that you miss her so much. They'll see it! Have a great day, and good luck with dinner ;)

  3. Oh Mandee, I'm so very sorry. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. Take extra-good care of yourself today, and know that you're in my thoughts and prayers!


  4. (((hugs)))

    And I agree with what Melodie said!

  5. Such a tough day - I will keep you in my thoughts! Your children will know your mother through the stories, photos, and memories that you share with them. Just be sure to mention her often!

  6. love you <3 and i know the quinn babies will know your mom through YOU because even though i didn't know your mom, i know you're like her and it will reflect in motherhood.

  7. This is a tough day for you. Thoughts and prayers, and know that your babies will never wonder how great their grandma was because they will see her in the love you show them.

  8. you're so strong, beautiful, and loved. You will have a beautiful family and your mother's love will shine through you and your children always.

  9. So I'm wayyy behind and just finally cathcing up on your blog and couldn't go to the next without commenting on this one. If I could give you a giant hug (and you wouldn't think I was a complete nutjob) I so would :( I don't know what it's like to lose my Mom so I can't even begin to understand your pain.
    I do have an absent Mom. She doesn't call/write/email/text/anything to see how me or my kids are and that sucks big time. But the bottom line is, I'm a good Mom anyway and you will be too. Your Mom WILL be with you one day when you're in the delivery room, and she'll be watching over your babies in ways no one else can. I know we aren't close and honestly only have seen each other a few times..with lots of alcohol involved, haha..but just your concern for Gianna shows me how huge your heart is and I know you will be an amazing (& kick ass) Mom one day. I didn't know you were trying to have a baby..I hope it happens quick for you. And I promise to follow your blog more, especially in hopes you give us news before FB. haha :)


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