Day 05/30

Day 05/30 - your favorite quote 

thankfully, this challenge isn't hard for me at ALL. I stumbled across this quote about 7 years ago, right around the time my mother passed away. if you're new around here, you can read about my mom here. it was a miracle to have found this quote at that time, and it really helped me to overcome tragedy. 

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it."

- Nelson Mandela

it's humbling to think that just a few verbs and nouns placed together in just the right way can make such an impact on someone. this quote allowed me to realize that being strong does not mean that you are not afraid... it means that you've conquered that fear. it means that you're able to succeed in life knowing that you defeated a thought that could have possibly consumed you in every way. 

when my mom got sick, I had never really experienced death to such a harsh degree. I'd lost both of my grandparents on my mom's side, and while I was close with both of them, I don't remember it being terribly difficult to overcome their deaths. I was young when my grandfather died... so young that I barely remember it. I was about 13 when my grandmother died, and I was pretty upset, but it didn't really hit me that hard... maybe because I was beginning my teen years and I was selfish. either way, prior to my mom, I had never had to endure such a loss, accompanied by a gigantic hole centered right in my heart. 

when my mom died, I honestly thought I'd never be happy again. I thought I would cry every single day for the rest of my life, and that I'd never ever be able to talk about her without having a complete mental breakdown. I thought I'd stay holed up in my bedroom forever, looking through photo albums, staining pictures with my tears. I was so, so, so sad. I was depressed. it was so draining, to be that emotional all the time.

most of all though, I believed that I would never live another day without being ANGRY. I was incredibly angry... I was angry at everyone, including myself. it didn't matter who you were or how close you were to me, I was pissed at you, for no good reason at all. I was also a teenager, so I was naturally angry to begin with, but the rage that consumed my thoughts after my mom's death was frightening. I was beginning to see my life spiral downwards, and I was self destructing more and more by the day.

but after a lot of time (and a few hours of therapy), I started to laugh again. I began to talk about my mom in a joyful way... without crying. I went back to my normal day to day life... going to school, hanging out with friends, etc. I stopped snapping at everyone for looking at me the wrong way. don't get me wrong, it took a very long time for me to cope and to deal with my own feelings... I'd say it took a good solid year before I felt "normal" again. 

and to this day, I still have days where all I want to do is stay in bed and cry, and more often than not, I do cry when I think about her. but that sadness no longer dominates my life. it was so hard for me to come to that realization. it was by far, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

but I did it. I won. I triumphed over that fear. 

to see the entire 30 Day Challenge, click here.