and I don't mean with a P-H.

I am SO over feeling being fat.
I'm tired of not being able to find clothes that fit (and flatter) me.
I'm really fucking sick of seeing my arms in tank tops.

I hate looking at old pictures of myself and seeing how skinny & healthy I used to be.
I am no longer going to justify by weight by saying "oh, it's okay... I'm tall, so it evens out."
I refuse to move up to plus size clothing, when I know I can lose it.
I don't weigh myself in order to avoid disappointment.

these feelings are so different for me. my entire life, I was the tall girl... the tall girl who was super skinny. the girl who never had to watch what she ate, or god forbid, work out in a gym. the girl who had trouble finding clothes that were small enough, but still long enough to fit her long legs. the girl who was never, ever self conscious of her body, because she didn't have a reason to be. the girl who proudly flaunted a bikini and had never experienced the dreaded love handles she would wear only a few years later.

three years ago, when I met my husband, I was happy at a slim 130lbs. I wasn't as skinny as I was when I was 18 years old, but I had some curves and an ass that wouldn't quit. I was still the confident girl I used to be... just a few pounds heavier. a couple years of my metabolism slowing down lead me to finally be in the "normal" weight range for my height, instead of being underweight like I was my whole life. throughout our relationship, I gained a few pounds here and there, but it was always easy for me to keep it off. I'd change my eating habits for a couple months and slim back down to my comfortable 130.

I found that as time went on, it was harder and harder to keep the weight off. I got up to about 160lbs before my wedding, and I knew there was no way in hell I was going to fit in my wedding dress if I kept that weight on. I decided to join a gym... which is one thing I've never had to do. I lost a good amount of weight before the wedding, and I dropped the pounds fast - I worked out with a trainer, lessened my portions of food, and ate extremely healthy. I met my goal and fit into my wedding dress without a hitch - I looked good on the day of the wedding, and more importantly, I FELT good. I felt so unbelievably healthy and I had so much energy.

the wedding came and went, and before I knew it, I went back to my old eating habits. it's not like I was eating like a pig and scarfing down everything I could get my hands on either - I was simply eating what I wanted to, and not giving a damn. and wouldn't you know it... those pounds crept up quicker than they ever had before. I surpassed my previous "at-my-biggest" mark of 160lbs in no time, and it wasn't a feat I was proud of.

I joined the gym a couple months back. I went a couple times a week for about 3 weeks and gave up. I wasn't seeing immediate results, which leaded to a sense of discouragement. I've always been able to slim down so quickly, and it just wasn't happening this time around. I never imagined I would struggle with my weight like I have... never in a million years.

today, I weigh a hefty 188lbs, and I AM DONE.
there is no possible way I will allow myself to live like this any longer. I want to be healthy again. I want to get pregnant one day and give birth to a healthy child. I want to go on hikes and be adventurous with my husband. I want to make good choices that will allow me to live longer and enjoy my family.

so I took that gym membership and I made the most of it. our gym employs degree holding personal trainers who will work with you to get closer to your goals. Sean called them last week and booked a personal trainer for me - for 12 sessions. that's 12 hours of hard, sweat producing workouts, and I couldn't be more ecstatic. I met with my trainer for the first time last night, and I love her. she asked me what my goal was, to which I replied, "to not be fat anymore." I told her my story and how I've never had to work hard to lose weight, and how fast I've gained it - I mean think about it. I have gained a solid SIXTY POUNDS since I met my husband. sixty motherfucking pounds. who does that? who lets that happen in a period of three years?

anyway. so we met, and she showed me the best things to do to drop the pounds, and she demonstrated how to work all the different machines. she worked me hard. at times, I felt like I was either going to pass out or throw up... or both... but it was worth it. she pushed me past my own limits and made me sweat. if you weren't aware, I have a real aversion to sweating... I don't know why, I just don't LIKE it. and she made it happen. she had me doing sprints on the elliptical and walking an 8.0 incline on the treadmill. I worked my chest muscles, my back muscles, my leg muscles, my arm muscles. and apparently she has me working all kinds of muscles I didn't even know I had, given the many sore spots I have today. when the session was over and I was done stretching, we scheduled my next three appointments, and I am actually looking forward to walking in that gym on Thursday, knowing I'll be sweating my ass off. 

I don't really know what the point of this post was. I guess I just wanted to have some kind of proof that I am indeed motivated, and that I'm ready to say goodbye to those 60lbs I've gained. they've overstayed their welcome, and it's time for them to get the fuck out. I know there are so many women out there that struggle with weight, and some have it much worse than I've had it. and sometimes, you just need a little shove in the right direction. in no means did I want this post to be a "woe is me" type deal... I just wanted to share my experience. my journey isn't over yet, and I know it will continue to be a constant battle that I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life. I know that some days I won't be as motivated as I feel tonight, and that's okay. I know that I have to work hard to get my body to look that way I want, and I cannot wait.

I'm ready to be motivated.
I look forward to feeling healthy and having more energy.
I'm excited to find clothes that aren't size large or double digits.
I want to look at pictures of me that were taken at this time, and shake my head in disbelief of how big I was.
I can't wait to wear a two piece, and rock it.
I want to be happy with sharing my weight with others.

I WILL be that confident girl I was not too long ago, and I'll make sure that girl never leaves again.

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I also wanted to note that we don't really eat too unhealthy in our household - we grill a lot of chicken, eat multi-grain pasta, and cook a lot of vegetables. I'm staying away from fried and greasy foods, and I've cut myself back to one soda a day... the rest of the day, I drink nothing but water or juice. I didn't mention this in the main part of the post because this is already something I've been working on the last couple weeks, and I wanted to highlight that working out and burning calories is my main hardship when it comes to weight loss. so, I'm not just sitting around eating bonbons and expecting to lose weight by working out a few times a week. :)