Tuesday, June 29, 2010

and I don't mean with a P-H.

I am SO over feeling being fat.
I'm tired of not being able to find clothes that fit (and flatter) me.
I'm really fucking sick of seeing my arms in tank tops.

I hate looking at old pictures of myself and seeing how skinny & healthy I used to be.
I am no longer going to justify by weight by saying "oh, it's okay... I'm tall, so it evens out."
I refuse to move up to plus size clothing, when I know I can lose it.
I don't weigh myself in order to avoid disappointment.

these feelings are so different for me. my entire life, I was the tall girl... the tall girl who was super skinny. the girl who never had to watch what she ate, or god forbid, work out in a gym. the girl who had trouble finding clothes that were small enough, but still long enough to fit her long legs. the girl who was never, ever self conscious of her body, because she didn't have a reason to be. the girl who proudly flaunted a bikini and had never experienced the dreaded love handles she would wear only a few years later.

three years ago, when I met my husband, I was happy at a slim 130lbs. I wasn't as skinny as I was when I was 18 years old, but I had some curves and an ass that wouldn't quit. I was still the confident girl I used to be... just a few pounds heavier. a couple years of my metabolism slowing down lead me to finally be in the "normal" weight range for my height, instead of being underweight like I was my whole life. throughout our relationship, I gained a few pounds here and there, but it was always easy for me to keep it off. I'd change my eating habits for a couple months and slim back down to my comfortable 130.

I found that as time went on, it was harder and harder to keep the weight off. I got up to about 160lbs before my wedding, and I knew there was no way in hell I was going to fit in my wedding dress if I kept that weight on. I decided to join a gym... which is one thing I've never had to do. I lost a good amount of weight before the wedding, and I dropped the pounds fast - I worked out with a trainer, lessened my portions of food, and ate extremely healthy. I met my goal and fit into my wedding dress without a hitch - I looked good on the day of the wedding, and more importantly, I FELT good. I felt so unbelievably healthy and I had so much energy.

the wedding came and went, and before I knew it, I went back to my old eating habits. it's not like I was eating like a pig and scarfing down everything I could get my hands on either - I was simply eating what I wanted to, and not giving a damn. and wouldn't you know it... those pounds crept up quicker than they ever had before. I surpassed my previous "at-my-biggest" mark of 160lbs in no time, and it wasn't a feat I was proud of.

I joined the gym a couple months back. I went a couple times a week for about 3 weeks and gave up. I wasn't seeing immediate results, which leaded to a sense of discouragement. I've always been able to slim down so quickly, and it just wasn't happening this time around. I never imagined I would struggle with my weight like I have... never in a million years.

today, I weigh a hefty 188lbs, and I AM DONE.
there is no possible way I will allow myself to live like this any longer. I want to be healthy again. I want to get pregnant one day and give birth to a healthy child. I want to go on hikes and be adventurous with my husband. I want to make good choices that will allow me to live longer and enjoy my family.

so I took that gym membership and I made the most of it. our gym employs degree holding personal trainers who will work with you to get closer to your goals. Sean called them last week and booked a personal trainer for me - for 12 sessions. that's 12 hours of hard, sweat producing workouts, and I couldn't be more ecstatic. I met with my trainer for the first time last night, and I love her. she asked me what my goal was, to which I replied, "to not be fat anymore." I told her my story and how I've never had to work hard to lose weight, and how fast I've gained it - I mean think about it. I have gained a solid SIXTY POUNDS since I met my husband. sixty motherfucking pounds. who does that? who lets that happen in a period of three years?

anyway. so we met, and she showed me the best things to do to drop the pounds, and she demonstrated how to work all the different machines. she worked me hard. at times, I felt like I was either going to pass out or throw up... or both... but it was worth it. she pushed me past my own limits and made me sweat. if you weren't aware, I have a real aversion to sweating... I don't know why, I just don't LIKE it. and she made it happen. she had me doing sprints on the elliptical and walking an 8.0 incline on the treadmill. I worked my chest muscles, my back muscles, my leg muscles, my arm muscles. and apparently she has me working all kinds of muscles I didn't even know I had, given the many sore spots I have today. when the session was over and I was done stretching, we scheduled my next three appointments, and I am actually looking forward to walking in that gym on Thursday, knowing I'll be sweating my ass off. 

I don't really know what the point of this post was. I guess I just wanted to have some kind of proof that I am indeed motivated, and that I'm ready to say goodbye to those 60lbs I've gained. they've overstayed their welcome, and it's time for them to get the fuck out. I know there are so many women out there that struggle with weight, and some have it much worse than I've had it. and sometimes, you just need a little shove in the right direction. in no means did I want this post to be a "woe is me" type deal... I just wanted to share my experience. my journey isn't over yet, and I know it will continue to be a constant battle that I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life. I know that some days I won't be as motivated as I feel tonight, and that's okay. I know that I have to work hard to get my body to look that way I want, and I cannot wait.

I'm ready to be motivated.
I look forward to feeling healthy and having more energy.
I'm excited to find clothes that aren't size large or double digits.
I want to look at pictures of me that were taken at this time, and shake my head in disbelief of how big I was.
I can't wait to wear a two piece, and rock it.
I want to be happy with sharing my weight with others.

I WILL be that confident girl I was not too long ago, and I'll make sure that girl never leaves again.


I also wanted to note that we don't really eat too unhealthy in our household - we grill a lot of chicken, eat multi-grain pasta, and cook a lot of vegetables. I'm staying away from fried and greasy foods, and I've cut myself back to one soda a day... the rest of the day, I drink nothing but water or juice. I didn't mention this in the main part of the post because this is already something I've been working on the last couple weeks, and I wanted to highlight that working out and burning calories is my main hardship when it comes to weight loss. so, I'm not just sitting around eating bonbons and expecting to lose weight by working out a few times a week. :)


  1. i'm glad you posted about this.. it's a struggle that has been going on for awhile and you are right when you say it's time to be done with it. i have all the confidence in the world that you will overcome this. it's so great that you have hired a personal trainer..she will not only provide you with extra motivation, but she will school you on the workouts specific to your body's needs and the areas you need to focus on most. i'm so proud of you for taking the next step; i KNOW you can do this. once you start to notice the weight coming off, you won't even look back! i'm sure you will FEEL healthy as well as look it and that will be helpful as far as continuing the journey. for the record, i think you are beautiful either way.. inside and out. i have all the confidence in the world that you will reach your goal. i am in your corner cheering you on and supporting you as you start on the road to healthiness. you can (and ARE) doing this.. and you WILL look back on this in a year or so and feel so accomplished and proud. i love you so much and i want nothing more than to see you happy and healthy.

  2. definitely agree w/ laura! i have been in your shoes and know how badly it sucks but know that once you get in a steady routine AND see results, you will not even need any extra motivation! the first time someones says 'woah, you look GOOD' - it will pump you up and MAKE you want to KEEP going and i believe you can and WILL.
    hop on that cycle bike and sweat it out girl! :D and just by cutting portions alone, you will notice a differene! i'm proud of ya and believe you can do it! :)

  3. Ditto.. not to the personal trainer (I wish!!) but refocusing and DOING IT.

    I have 25-30 pounds to lose and this week is a new week for me. I don't eat terribly either and I also HATE sweating. Gross. Obvi the part about losing weight that sucks for me is increasing my calorie burn.

    This week I have been consistently tracking calories and I've ridden my stationary bike twice with plans for the third tomorrow AM.. We are camping this weekend and I hope to get in a lot of swimming and real bike rides. The trick for me will be to keep with it.

    I hope you keep us updated because I know reading about others working out/weight loss helps me a buttload.

  4. Mandee you will do great! I can totally understand and relate to what you are going through. Keep yourself motivated and you will be there in no time.

    I'm also really glad that you posted this, I feel like it will be a good motivator for me to know that I'm not alone. Thank you so much girly!

  5. i am really glad to see you have taken the [very hard steps] to a healthier you, and i am extremely proud of you! you deserve to feel good about yourself again and absolutely LOVE and own the way you look..

  6. Mandee, you will do fabulous! Going to the gym is the best thing, and hiring a personal trainer is the kick in the butt that you need! I'm glad you shared this story, and I can definitely relate -- I'm at my highest weight ever, and I justify it by saying "You get fat when you're in love" [HA!]

    I hope your motivation rubs off on me!

  7. I almost cried when I read this, Mandee. My experience parallels yours in many ways. I was a size 3 for as long as I can remember, never had to diet or exercise and ate whatever I pleased. Then one day I woke up and it was like I was in a different body! I packed on nearly 50 pounds in a few years. I hated my body, my relationships suffered, it was a big ol’ mess. I am still not at my ideal weight, but, through healthy diet and moderate exercise I am feeling so much better about myself. And you will too! I am rooting for you!

  8. wow, I can't believe how many of you have commented on this in just a few hours. I am so blessed to have such wonderful women in my life... whether it be in real life or in the blogging world.

    thank you all SO much for all your support. I know how hard it is to find that motivation and get a routine in place, and while I'm not 100% set in my routine yet, I'm on my way, and I feel so great about it.

    there comes a point when you just get sick of looking at yourself in the mirror and listing all the areas you would slim down... and trust me, I have a LOT of areas that need slimming. it's a slap in the face to see that day after day, and I'm ready to change that feeling.


  9. Mandee, I know you're going to do great because of how motivated you really are! I wish I was that motivated right now.
    I was always the same as you up until I was 20, 100 lbs, skin and bones, never watched what I ate. Then my metabolism caught up with me and I gained 30 lbs in the last couple years. I'm considered a healthy weight now, but for me it's still very odd and I don't feel like myself. I'm having a very hard time getting motivated to do anything about it, though.
    Anyway, congrats on pushing yourself to do this now, you're going to do awesome!

  10. So I realize I dont know you that well..but I felt compelled to reply to this blog...after all I am following now ;)

    This hits so close to home...I wished I had lost that extra weight I put on when I met John BEFORE I started having kids...bc it fucking SUCKS to try and do it now. You are doing the best thing for yourself by doing this. You'll thank yourself when your pregnant and look amazing..and when you bounce back and people look at you like DAMN..you have kids?! HAHA
    I also have 60 pounds to lose...so I hope you dont mind I will be following your journey. And you've completely inspired me to use my free sessions with the trainer at my gym. :)

  11. I know this is an old post but I'm glad that I got the chance to read it. Not sure where you are in your journey now but I know you can do it! So proud of you for joining the gym, the personal trainer, and the C25K...which I joined and gave up over the winter b/c I didn't want to run in snow :( Remember that 40lbs I lost before your wedding? Yeah...back with a vengeance AND some. It's definitely a battle but we'll get there one day. Thanks for your story...it inspired me to get off my ass and try again. Love you girl! :)


I love getting comments from readers, so thank you for being so awesome!