Wednesday, May 12, 2010

handicap bathrooms are not the safest option (TMI, yet hilarious)

since our kitchen is covered in dust and half our kitchen equipment is still in our entryway, we've been eating out A LOT. we try to keep it healthy with Subway and whatnot, but last night, we were both craving Italian cuisine. we headed down to a little hole in the wall nearby called Mama Lucia's, a big favorite of ours.

after we finished with dinner, we decided to stop by Giant to pick up a few things... kitty litter, card for a birthday, some nasal spray, among some other items. as we're browsing the aisles, I feel the rumblings. the rumblings that I mentioned in my second blog post ever. I typically have the rumblings after every meal, and the meal I had prior to our grocery store visit was a little greasier than I'm used to (stuffed shells, in case you were curious).

I clenched as we kept walking, and hoped it would go away so I could poop in the comfort of my own bathroom. within 2 minutes, I knew I wouldn't be having the pleasure of a home bowel movement. the rumblings of my loins were getting painful, and I quickly broke out in a sweat. I shoved all my picked up items in Mr. FoFandee's arms, and told him that there was NO WAY I was going to make it home, and I brisk walked my ass right into the bathroom.

as my luck would have it, the first three stalls had pee or toilet paper filled toilets, and I had to take my last option - the handicap stall. I don't know about anyone else, but I love the handicap stall - it's nice and roomy, and it's usually got a good stash of toilet paper... especially in a grocery store, where I imagine it's not used often.

so I go about the binness and let 'er rip. it wasn't so much an assplosion, but it wasn't pretty either. I performed the courtesy flush, just in case someone else happened to walk in... I would hate to have someone walk into THAT stench. I finish up pretty quick and flush away.

as I got to leave the stall, I turn the little handle on the door, and push open the door... except... it doesn't open. I turn the little knob 180 degrees in the opposite direction (counterclockwise), and it still doesn't open. the little latch that goes into the socket of the stall DOES.NOT.BUDGE. I freeze. what the FUCK am I going to do? there is no way in hell that I was climbing UNDER the stall, and therefore touching the nasty ass floors. no fucking way. I keep trying to turn the knob and that little bastard latch does not move, at all. I swear to god, I was going to find a way to climb OVER the stalls before I was going under them.

after about 10 minutes of fucking with that handle, and being about 30 seconds away from having a mental breakdown, I called Mr. FoFandee, who was still in the store... probably just waiting for me and thinking that I'm taking a huge dump. the conversation went a little like this:

Mr: what the hell are you doing in there?
Me: you have to help me.
Mr: uhhh... I don't think there's much I can do to help you out in there...
Me: I'm... locked in the bathroom... the handicap stall to be precise.

:insert hysterical laughter:

Me: it's NOT funny! I'm terrified in here. I'm not crawling under the door, so just come in here and get me out.
Mr: I can't come in there, it's a girls bathroom!
Me: I'm sure they'll make an exception if you're rescuing your imprisoned wife!
Mr: maybe I'll just get someone to help... and suggest that they announce it on the loud speaker that some fucking idiot locked herself in the handicap stall.
Me: thanks for the support... really. I swear, I've jiggled this handle for the past 12 minutes and I can't get the door open!

and finally, after another 3 minutes or so of fiddling with the damn handle, it finally opened. THANK GOD. I was sure they were going to have to call the fire department or some shit... I would be on the news as the local girl who was stupid enough to lock herself in a public bathroom stall. jesus. I made sure to inform the check out boy at the register that there is some serious defect with the handicap stall, and that I was near death trying to get out of there. he didn't think it was too funny... instead just looked at me all weird like I'm some kind of fucking psycho.

so. how was YOUR Tuesday night?

DISCLAIMER: this blog is not meant to offend any person or persons who use the handicap stall in public bathrooms, nor is it meant to offend anyone who is handicap or frequently locks themselves in public bathroom.


  1. Bahahaha - I saw this on Facebook and didn't know what it meant - now I get it. You're hilarious. I always get terrified when the stall locks are jammed... total freak out.
    Glad you got out safe and sound!

  2. hahahaha! I seriously burst out laughing. Glad you made it out though!


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