Thursday, February 4, 2010

Dears Of The Day

Dear Lane Bryant,
I am not plus size. Please stop sending me catalogs. You're not helping my self esteem.

Not Super Skinny, But Definitely Not A Big Girl


Dear AT&T,
Your map commercials are fucking annoying. I don't really swoon over Luke Wilson to begin with (and Owen too, actually), so thank you SO much for confirming my hatred for him by paying him what I'm sure is a ridiculous amount of money to tell bold faced LIES regarding Verizon's coverage.

Faithful Verizon Customer (& proud owner of a DVR so I can fast forward through your ass)


Dear underwear,
I know I'm not helping you out any with the continuous growth of my rear end, but please stop cutting off my circulation. There are only a few of you left in my "these can still comfortably fit" pile, and I'd like to wear you all again eventually. I promise I will not replace you with (*gasp*) large size garments. just please be patient.

Love Always,
The Ass In Which You Wish To Cover


Dear Insomnia,



Dear Pheobe,
Stop being such a little whore to Bear. It's to the point now where he walks (kind of swerves, really... he's special) in the opposite direction when he sees you coming. He knows that you're going to growl at him and try to claw his eyes out. You should know better.


PS - stop sprinting into the bedroom every time I open the fucking door. you know I'm just going to chase your ass until I can grab you and throw you back out. you never win at this game. give it up.


Dear BGE,
While I take great pleasure in your service, especially the heat which keeps me warm during these frigid months, I would greatly appreciate a little warning the next time you want to ASS RAPE me with a $428.00 electric bill. Last month's $415.00 bill was fucking awful, and so I've been watching our electricity use closely this month... even turning the heat down a few degrees when I leave for work... and yet my bill goes up. I would really prefer at least some lube and cuddle time next month.

Fuck off,
Your Loyal Customer, Who Will Never Get Ahead Thanks To YOU


Dear Pistachios,
I love you, despite your ability to royally fuck up my stomach. Keep being delicious and irresistible.



Dear Dad,
I know you have an incredibly terrible relationship with your girlfriend/baby mama, but honestly... it's not my fucking problem. Not only did you choose to move this crazy bitch into your home, but you then had unprotected sex with her, resulting in my little brother. Wyatt is amazing, and the coolest little kid ever, but keeping her around for his sake isn't really helping him much. I've given you the SAME advice for years, so please don't expect any sympathy when she goes on a crazy rant after a week's worth of normalcy.

Your Only Daughter,

PS - I could really use a raise. See above RE: my electric bill.


Dear New Orleans Saints,
Please, for the sake of baby jesus, beat the shit out of the Colts this weekend. I am so sick of Peyton fucking Manning and the god damn Colts. Make them your bitches, Saints.

Yours Truly,
Devoted Redskins Fan, Who Has Come To Terms With NO Superbowl In My Future


Dear Mother Nature,
you win.



  1. Bahahahaha! You are hilarious (haven't I said this once or twice before?). Love it!

  2. i love this. amen on the saints note. down with colts!

  3. Dear Fellow Verizon Customer,
    AT&T can suck my left nut.
    <3 Shan

    PS Go Saints!!

  4. lol I think we were seperated at birth! You're a riot!


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