Friday marked the 10 year anniversary of my mom's death. Surreal does even begin to describe how I feel about this fast paced passage of time. I've written about her anniversary in this space before, but other than that, I haven't really mentioned her here much.
My mother was an incredible woman. She was so giving and caring, and she loved her children more than life. She had an outstanding (and often inappropriate) sense of humor and found such joy in making other people happy. Her favorite color was pink and she loved to read Stephen King novels. My mother would have packed up and moved to Key West in a heartbeat if she could have (with kids in tow, obviously). She wasn't a great cook, but made the best coleslaw I've ever eaten in my life. She loved life so intensely, and was a wonderful mother, friend, and woman.
This year is bittersweet for me. 10 years is a really long time to go without a mom... to think that I attended prom, graduated high school, got married, and had a baby ALL with the absence of my mother makes me so sad. It makes me ridiculously upset to think that Ronin will never know her. He will never hear her laugh or feel her rub his back when he's not feeling well. She'll never keep him overnight so that Sean & I can have a date night. He will never hear stories of my childhood from her mouth. He'll never get to taste her coleslaw or laugh at her jokes.
But then I look at my son, who is, without a doubt, the absolute love of my life, and I know that I can't have that sadness hovering with me. He IS happiness in every sense of the word. He has changed my life completely. While I know that I need to take the time to grieve my mother around this time of year, I can't this year... I just can't be unhappy when I spend each and every single day with this little bundle of love.
I started a five year long Question-A-Day journal. every night before I go to bed, I answer the question for that day. I make a conscious effort not to look at the day's prompt beforehand, because I think it makes it less spontaneous if I know what I'll be writing ahead of time. I opened my journal Friday night to find this:
how perfect. I can honestly say that for the first time in 10 years, I feel peaceful on this day. I never thought I'd be able to say that, but because of my Ronin, I can. and I can only hope that I will be half the mother she was. <3 p="p">